When Your Pet Baby Dies: A “Unique”Form of Grief and Loss.
Northwest IL Basset Hound Club and Loves Basset Hound Club, June 4, 2010
by Lisa A. Breisch, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychotherapist.
The title of this article may make you question the “unique” component of the grief and loss of your pet baby. I call it unique as it is different from the loss of a human family member or friend. I would like to share a story with you about my experience of the “uniqueness” of it. When I was 22 and in graduate school – a psychology graduate school that is – I underwent a traumatic loss of my beloved beagle, Sniffers. Sniffers was a gift to me on my 14th birthday. I have always been in love with beagles and basset hounds (I now have 8!). Sniffers was my baby dog and I loved him dearly for the 14 years that I grew up with him. During the time of Sniffers’ illness, my step-father also became very ill and had his leg amputated. I moved back home from graduate school to help my mother care for my step-father and for Sniffers. Sniffers was diagnosed with cancer and required chemotherapy plus daily IV treatments at the vet. It was a horrible time for the entire family. My mother and step-father loved Sniffers very much. He was my replacement after I left for school. My step-father used imagery of Sniffers to help him cope with his illness and on good days for both of them, we brought Sniffers into the nursing home to visit my step-father. Sniffers died three months before my step-father died. There is no doubt, in our minds, that my step-father needed Sniffers on the other side first to help him lessen the fear of dying.
Let me get back to the “unique” aspect again. When I had requested time off from my graduate school, one o f my professors could not conceptualize why I included the care of my dog as a reason to take off. The professor openly admitted in class on several occasions, how he was not a pet fan and couldn’t stand how his wife loved her dogs so much. Okay, this is from a Psychologist mind you. When I told him the story of what was going on at home, he completely nullified my emotions regarding my Sniffers and felt the care of my step-father was (or should have been) the real reason for the leave. I felt the mourning for my dog was supposed to be wrong or that somehow it was unhealthy, abnormal or “unique.” So, I questioned myself and doubted my emotions of sadness, pain, and heartache for my Sniffers. This complicated the natural healing process.
Well, that didn’t last long. In my own therapy, my therapist could completely understand my feelings. She, too, was “unique.” She had pictures of her pet baby in her office, a very cute miniature poodle, that she just adored. She helped me to realize that my feelings were not only healthy and normal…but that my love for my pet was “unique”…but only in the sense that I valued my pet as much as a human and my attachment to my pet baby was also as strong as that to a human. She could understand and shared that she felt the same exact way that I did. The thought of viewing our pet babies as “just a pet” or “just a dumb dog” or “just a stupid animal,” seemed invalidating and inhumane!!
My therapist helped me to plan a pet funeral, which was very similar to the ritual of death we have for our human counterparts. I was able to find a pet cemetery in my same city that helped me to locate a burial spot that was pleasing, a doggie casket, a picture to put on the doggie tombstone, flowers to put on the gravesite, cherished items to include in the casket, and a prayer and blessing at the site with my closest family and friends. My priest at my local church, who celebrated St. Francis of Asisi and blessed my dog many times, performed an extra special blessing for Sniffers at the time of death. WOW, how unique, huh!?
I firmly believe that this validating and loving way to give to my pet baby at his time of death…and to give to myself and my family….really helped me to heal and to grieve appropriately. My therapist even went with me to visit the gravesite to help me heal…and to help her heal and know of a sacred place to put her pet baby at rest when it was time. Having a wonderful therapist who really understood the monumental pain of losing a pet baby helped me immensely.
Now, I can truly help other pet parents heal during the time of grief and loss of their pet baby. I would like to make some suggestions to you to help you when that unthinkable time comes.
Honor your pet baby in whatever way feels 100% completely right for you.
Honor your feelings of grief and loss as real, natural, and normal.
Just as you would cope with a loss of a close family or friend, take time off from work or other responsibilities to heal and mourn. Nuture yourself…sleep more, eat well, be with others, do positive things.
Be open in sharing your feelings with others…this can help other pet parents know that their grief and loss is okay and normal when a pet dies.
Allow yourself to take as much time as needed to heal…losing a pet can be as severe as losing a child, spouse, or parent…two weeks of tearfulness is not a deadline to end your feelings and get on with your life. You cannot put a timeline on the process of grief.
You will go through the same stages and phases of grief and loss as you would when a human dies. These stages include: shock, bargaining, denial, depression, anger, acceptance, and rebuilding. These are not a linear process but fluid, which means that you can be in shock and depression at the same time, anger and bargaining, etc. But, trust that this is also normal.
Do healing things for yourself . Here are some examples:
Say prayers or have a service said in their honor (using the first and last name).
Talk to your pet baby as if they were there (many believe your pet baby is still with you and around you in spirit form).
Put pictures of your pet baby up wherever you need them. Make a collage, video biography, or scrapbook of them.
Visit the gravesite. If you use a pet cemetery or a resting place in your back yard, make it comfortable to be there. Use a chair, plant some flowers, or put up memorial plaques or statues.
Talk about your feelings to others, let go of shame, guilt, or embarrassment.
Join a rescue or volunteer at a shelter in their honor.
Donate to a rescue or shelter in their honor.
Visit a pet-friendly therapist who specializes in grief and loss of a pet baby.
Include the care and financial wellbeing of your pet(s) in your will, in case you leave this realm before they do.
Keep in mind the grief and loss of remaining pet babiese. Pets have feelings and emotions similar to humans. They will grieve also and will need your help. Find ways to give them extra love, attention, care and activity during the time of loss. You both can grieve together.
If you need help with the loss of a pet, please contact Dr. Lisa A. Breisch, Psy.D., for an appointment. Dr. Breisch is a licensed clinical psychotherapist. One of her many specialties is pet grief and loss therapy. Her office is also pet-friendly and welcomes any of your pet babies to join you in session. Please contact 815-639-0300, 7120 Windsor Lake Parkway, Suite 201, Loves Park, IL 61111, or visit www.lisabreischpsyd.org.
